| Stress |
[May. 25th, 2012|10:05 pm] |
I've not been doing very well the last week or so. I've completely failed to manage my stress, and no matter how much I talk things out, the list of things I need to think through and communicate never really gets any smaller. I've also withdrawn into myself and I just can't seem to deal with people, which is not very good.
The main stressor was the whole teaching application process, including the advisor, who was pushing me very hard to do things that I'm not sure about and I would like some time to think about. I told him that I'd apply next year, which makes me feel very relieved. In the meantime, I can go as fast or as slow as I my trans issues will let me, which so far seem to be pointing towards next year.
With that out of the way, there are lots of small things I feel buried under that maybe I can deal with now. I need to see my doctor about a chronic problem I've been having for a few months now that does not want to clear up and got scarily worse recently. But the only two options are to see a doctor as an emergency appointment, or wait two weeks, and I feel I fit into the middle. This means I don't feel assertive enough to get past the receptionist, who knows I'm wasting the doctor's time if I ask for an emergency appointment.
I don't have a summer wardrobe, so I've been trying to adjust to the heat as best as I can, which mainly involves leggings with tunic style tops. I'm not really sure that's my look as it's far too young and sexy, and I feel miserable in them, but it's either that or bake, and I'm not really in the mood for baking.
Finally, the hormones are doing strange achy things to my body. Unfortunately, where I couldn't exercise without a bra, I've gotten to the point where I can't even walk up or down the down stairs without being in severe Ow. This means I need to start wearing bras permanently, but they are so damn expensive! I also bought some sports bras from Primark, which were cheap, but I wore one for two days and... and... *curls up in foetal ball around chest* ... I shall not be doing that again. |
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| Life at Home |
[May. 25th, 2012|12:55 pm] |
*sigh* The stress situation in the house hasn't been great at home.
We still have the bathroom happening, and it's not been finished because the builders got gastric flu, and then the two apprentices our builder had decided they didn't like him and left, so he's all alone doing all the work. At least we have a toilet downstairs that's plugged in a works, although I try and avoid using it as much as possible until the grouting is done. In the meantime, we have no idea when our builder will turn up, because although he's a good builder, his organisational skills are... rudimentary, and he's trying to balance us with a full time job and various other things he doesn't really talk about. I know he's trying to do a drive at the moment, and has been waiting for clement weather.
If that wasn't enough, my dad has been continuing to give up smoking, making him miserable, when he's awake that is. But, he's doing really well, which is wonderful, and he's got to 5 weeks now. He is officially a non-smoker, according to statistics, but he's still on the patches. He's trying to reduce the nicotine content of his patches now.
But if that wasn't enough, my mother has also decided to stop smoking. She's now four days in, and starting to get grouchy. Both my dad and I are certain she stopped because she couldn't bear to be less good than dad, and she's managed to convince herself that she has a sore throat because of smoking, and needs to stop for the good of her health (which never bothered her before). She's also reading the stopping smoking book I read ages ago and quoting all the things from it at us that I quoted at her before but she ignored. So I guess that means she's serious. I'm still in awe of her ability to ignore information she doesn't like.
While all this has been going on, I couldn't help think of the movie Airplane: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmW-ScmGRMA When we had the bathroom going full bore, dad really grouchy from giving up smoking and with me feeling the full effects of the hormones, that clip just kept going through my mind. So, yeah, it's been a really bad week to change sex ;) |
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| Teaching Application |
[May. 24th, 2012|03:55 pm] |
At the moment, I'm going through major stress to decide whether or not to apply for teaching this year, or leave it until next year. The applications are in for the end of June, so I don't have long to decide.
When I was first thinking about applying, I thought that, by the time September rolled around, I'd have had enough time to adjust to the hormones that I could start a course easily. By the time I'd see children for the first time, I'd be even more adjusted, and that this was a timetable I could easily do.
The problem is that I need to get some experience now, and this blind-sided me for several reasons. Firstly, because I don't feel ready right now to do any teaching. I'd be barely emotionally more mature than many of the kids I'd be teaching, so, um, it would be nice to wait a little. Secondly, because the stress of getting myself ready for a June placement is slowly killing me since it's way too fast. Thirdly, because I have no idea why the intuitive side of my brain knows why it would be ready in a few months time, and why it's absolutely certain I'd be able to deal with children really well based on what seems to be no evidence whatsoever. Intuitive reasoning is usually experienced based, and I've been racking my brains for the reasons why my brain knows it'll be fine, given enough time, and failing. It also makes me feel like a complete nut-job when I try to describe why.
All of this has tempted me to wait until next year. If I need experience, I can slowly get it, and train to be a teaching assistant. It'll also give me some time to explore all the weird intuitive feelings I have towards things I've never done. I also like to do transitioning stuff in a state of emotional equilibrium at all times, and I can't apply this year in equilibrium without going through a bit of hell and stress, which is not how I want to start my career. |
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| Food, weight and exercise |
[May. 22nd, 2012|10:19 pm] |
One of the really strange things that happened after I started taking the hormones is that I stopped eating much at all. There have been whole days where I've eaten nothing until dinner, and several days where breakfast was something small and lunch non-existent. My appetite has really been clobbered and even dinner portions have been really small.
I started measuring my weight and I noticed that it went down by 5lbs, which I mentioned. I then had a little binge, during which I gained 1lb. The binge continued though and so I checked what the result of my excess was: -4lbs. That's right, I lost weight. Since then, I ate sensibly and lost a further 3lbs for a total of 11lbs. It's bizarre.
( Cut for body stuff )
Taking all of this together, I have a fun little theory, which I can't prove but makes sense. I think that the hormones are probably triggering my body to metabolise muscles. If that's what's happening, then that's OK, because it's supposed to happen. The problem is that all the tests I do indicate I'm fitter then I've ever been. So if I'm losing muscle mass, I'm not noticing, and to be honest, I don't care.
The good thing about it all is that I've dropped a dress size. I'm a size 14 now, which is fun, and everyone's been telling me how much weight I've lost, which is encouraging. I've really tried to lose weight for a long time now, and to be succeeding so well is gratifying.
Apart from that, I've signed up to my local gym with a monthly dance membership. It costs a lot, but I think the cost is worth it, because at the moment everything I'm doing and spending my money on is all trans related, and it's not really good for me to do that. Of course, I have the problem that I got all fired up and then realised I had nothing to wear for doing exercise. Aaargh, fail. So I haven't been to a single class yet. The next Zumba class is on Thursday, and I intend to make that. |
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| Becoming Fluttershy |
[May. 20th, 2012|11:23 pm] |
When I said in another post, that the hormones were me turning more and more into the character Fluttershy from MLP:FiS, I was not entirely exaggerating. While having a desire to help people, and being more sensitive to other people are all good traits, they seem to go together with shyness, a chronic lack of assertiveness and an extreme even-temperedness that are also marks of that character in the show, and they are not so fun.
( Read more... ) |
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| Physical Intimacy |
[May. 20th, 2012|10:29 pm] |
So I've had a little time to get to grips with my emotions over the last few days, and one of the things that has come up is to do with physical intimacy. When I visited ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) darwinian_woman, I got lots of hugs, and gave lots of them, and they were nice. Really, really nice. Extremely, exceptionally nice.
The hormones have made my skin super-sensitive. Two Thursdays ago, I had a shower and what normally took 15 minutes ended up taking over two hours because it was pretty hard to concentrate past the feeling of running water on my skin. One of the side effects is that hugs seem to be much more potent than I have been used to. When I can feel the other person through every square centimetre of skin, it's really hard not to feel a sense of that person and there's so much more that the touch can communicate. So hugs can be reassuring, comforting, forgiving, needy and many other things.
The weirdest thing is that, having had my sexual orientation switch from female to male, hugging and getting hugged by women feels completely different. There's this lovely sense of intimacy without any of the sexual ickiness I was used to in the past. It's the first time I've experienced that, and it's pretty nice.
It also puts into context how, if I wanted any physical intimacy with women before, there was always a price tag to pay, which wasn't nice at all. I think that still screws me up, because there were moments I felt really uncomfortable when darwinian_woman hugged me, and I just wanted to hurt her until she stopped, and I know she was doing anything wrong at all. |
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| Energy Levels |
[May. 18th, 2012|03:14 pm] |
Life at the moment, has been truly hectic, in a way I'm not sure how to explain. I feel very emotionally overloaded by various things that have happened. But the flip side is that I seem to have gathered an ability to rest and recover on the move. I can be in the company of people and feel that my emotional energy is recovering and not being spent. This means that, although I'm really stressed and overloaded, I've coped with a greater emotional load than I've ever managed and feel this curious mixture of OK and really frazzled, which I don't know how to deal with.
One of the things that was really draining was seeing darwinian_woman. She has been getting very broody, much like I am at the moment, and this resulted in tension and uncertainty over the way we interacted. She more or less needed me to be still the baby-trans person who needed support and love, while I had suddenly grown up and wanted to show her how much her support had meant by being capable. It did not end well, but I think it's OK, because we're talking about it and it's such a simple and fixable mistake. Not to mention, it's the kind of mistake I was sure I was going to make, so I felt completely thrown that she got there first, but not unprepared for it.
Another of the things that was really draining was the fact that I went to the geek pub meet-up. I've been to such places before, but they never end well and the energy drain has always been intense. This time, it went much better, and I enjoyed myself a lot, relaxing and chatting to people, up until the point where I was tired but stayed to play a game of Munchkin that mainly had beginners in it and I had to referee the rules and host the game, which took too much of my energy. Then a rules lawyer joined the game and kept irritating me because I hadn't got the rules exactly right, and instead of dealing with him well, I just wanted to kill him. My lesson: go home earlier.
Since then, I've been trying to have a few quiet days and get to grips with everything that's been happening. I know I can solve all my own problems, I just need the time and space to get there. Fortunately, I've had those. I had a quiet day yesterday where I fell into an exhausted sleep halfway through the day, and today has been quiet as well. Next week is not going to be nearly as hectic and, having stretched my emotional capabilities, I'm going to try and tone things down, because I'm not a good person when I'm like this. There's also no spare capacity for all the little unexpected things that life throws at you. |
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| Becoming a Teacher |
[May. 18th, 2012|02:45 pm] |
OK, so you remember that I was saying that I wanted to do something useful helping people, and I thought that dealing with children might be one of those things? Well, one of the things I've started having a look into is teacher training and trying to become a teacher.
I've been thinking about it quite carefully. It's kinda weird, because some of my interactions with children have been a bit awkward up until now and I've been a bit scared of them. I know that children in particular can be cruel, and if they learn about my transsexuality, they'll probably be quite vicious about it. So I've been thinking carefully about whether I can take that, how I would react and, even with that, would I still do it? The answer seems to be yes. For some reason, since I've taken the hormones and my empathic centres have woken up, I think I'd be pretty good with children, and I don't find them scary at all.
I think the thing that really scared me is that children are quite fragile, and it would be easy for them to come to harm, either mentally or physically. However, the empathic bits of me mean that I can get a reading on what children are thinking, so I don't feel quite so scared of making a mistake.
Of course, this is all theory, and I really, really need some practise. So I've been trying to gain some experience of teaching so I can see whether I'd be suitable and whether I'd enjoy it.
One of the things I've done is sign up to the Teaching Agency. Since I have a physics degree, I qualify as a shortage subject teacher, and this has opened various doors to me. I've joined their Premier Plus service as well as the possibility of a £15,000 bursary if I agree to train for secondary school physics.
I'm not sure if I want to do secondary school physics, or whether I might want to teach primary school, so I'm thinking it's pretty important I get experience of both and make some kind of decision. I'm pretty sure I can teach physics. I've done it before, and I seemed to be OK at it. What I have no idea, is whether I can teach children. I have no idea if I could motivate and control a group of secondary school children on a Friday afternoon who just don't want to be there.
As part of the Premier Plus service, I've been found a secondary school placement up in Essex at the end of next month. I'm really excited and nervous about it. All I can think is, "Please don't let me mess this up".
Another thing I'm pretty scared about is the fact that I thought that, in a year's time, if I keep taking the hormones and finish up with my facial hair, I doubt anyone will notice that I wasn't born a girl. But I don't look so good at the moment, and I'm wondering what to do. I have to do the school experience now if I want to apply for teacher training this academic year and if I want the bursary. That's kinda souring me on the whole thing at the moment. |
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| Politics Stuff at the Moment |
[May. 17th, 2012|10:58 pm] |
I'm beginning to get really depressed with the whole Coalition government. I've kinda worked out that my political leanings are classically liberal, and so there are various things I believe that should happen. I believe we should balance our budgets and if this means austerity, then so be it, I believe that the government should generally stay out of people's lives as much as possible and that it should govern through the rule of law, with sensible policies that cause things to happen without having to directly make them happen. The problem with being liberal, however, is that I'm also not utopian. I don't believe there is a single way of organising people that is perfect, and I believe in limits for everything.
The problem is that we still have an awful lot of liberals who are buying into utopian liberalism still, and it's beginning to annoy me. For example, it's completely wrong, in a liberal society to legislate against against a group of people. Therefore, it's completely wrong for us to legislate against the rich and tax them too much. But it's wrong in a liberal system, to commit fraud, and the economic system would not have tanked if generally everyone wasn't lying about what they were actually doing. So there's an interesting point at which we've arrived at where two liberal principles are at war with each other and one must be sacrificed. One does not have to be socialist to believe that it's morally just to claw back money that was unfairly earned during the boom years, especially as the government rescued the financial system and the economy is only functioning because the government converted corporate and personal debt into public debt. Yet, this is the argument we're still having, and that's why it annoys me.
As a liberal, I don't particularly want the socialists to win, but they're bound to do a better job at the moment because they get that, once you start interfering in the economy, you have to keep interfering in the economy. You can't just make a decisive intervention and then pretend everything is OK, because it's not. If the government hadn't interfered in the economy, several banks would have gone bust, many firms would have folded, employment would have sky-rocketed and wages would have gone down. But all the wages, including those for executives, would have been affected. Now, by having done a half-arsed intervention, the government's pretty much distorted the economy in favour of the financial system, who helped cause the mess in the first place. People are suffering, but the government's made sure we're not all in this together. It can't be right. |
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| Out and About |
[May. 17th, 2012|12:39 pm] |
The last three days have been hectic as I've been out and about with many different people. Hectic but good on the whole, I think.
On Monday, I went to see darwinian_woman. I picked her up in Oxford and took her by car to Hughenden Manor, the home of Disraeli, which she was interested in, being into Victorian history. The weather wasn't great, but by evening, it had brightened up considerably, which was good. I dropped her back, and she cooked me a tasty dinner involving sweet potatoes and onion/leek/spinach/mushroom creamy sauce and then I drove home.
On Tuesday, I went to TransLondon. My usual crowd wasn't there, but there was a newer person I'd taken out once before for drinks, so we went out again afterwards and I got him to open up about trans stuff, which was useful.
On Wednesday I went to a pub meet for geeky people, where I talked to some interesting people and played Munchkin. During the day, though, I missed my therapist's session. It's weird because I've never forgot it before. |
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