||[May. 20th, 2012|10:29 pm]
So I've had a little time to get to grips with my emotions over the last few days, and one of the things that has come up is to do with physical intimacy. When I visited darwinian_woman, I got lots of hugs, and gave lots of them, and they were nice. Really, really nice. Extremely, exceptionally nice.
The hormones have made my skin super-sensitive. Two Thursdays ago, I had a shower and what normally took 15 minutes ended up taking over two hours because it was pretty hard to concentrate past the feeling of running water on my skin. One of the side effects is that hugs seem to be much more potent than I have been used to. When I can feel the other person through every square centimetre of skin, it's really hard not to feel a sense of that person and there's so much more that the touch can communicate. So hugs can be reassuring, comforting, forgiving, needy and many other things.
The weirdest thing is that, having had my sexual orientation switch from female to male, hugging and getting hugged by women feels completely different. There's this lovely sense of intimacy without any of the sexual ickiness I was used to in the past. It's the first time I've experienced that, and it's pretty nice.
It also puts into context how, if I wanted any physical intimacy with women before, there was always a price tag to pay, which wasn't nice at all. I think that still screws me up, because there were moments I felt really uncomfortable when darwinian_woman hugged me, and I just wanted to hurt her until she stopped, and I know she was doing anything wrong at all.