||[Jun. 27th, 2012|09:17 pm]
The last few days have been extremely stressful, but pretty rewarding. I've spent the previous two days running like a headless chicken trying to rustle up some formal clothes sufficient for interviews and such things, then I wore them today to my teaching experience at a school in Essex.
I was looking forwards to and dreading the teaching experience in equal measure. I'm really glad I've gone, though, because I managed to learn a lot about what being a teacher is like and I have faced a massive load of trans issues along the way. If I think about it, it probably took a lot of bravery to walk into the school in the first place. At least, that might explain why I feel totally shattered.
On the whole, the experience went well. I only mentioned my trans status to the Head of Science before I went, in case it was an issue. It has been, in the sense that he wants me to give a lesson on gender/trans issues at some point, which I did not expect. I merely mentioned that, if it became an issue, I could talk about it in a constructive way with the children there and then.
Apart from that, I didn't mention them to anybody else. I didn't necessarily hide anything to anyone, but I didn't volunteer information. This is as stealth as I've ever been and I've passed pretty well, which is really gratifying and builds up my confidence. However, it reminds me why I don't do this most of the time. It doesn't feel very good and it puts so much unnecessary stress on me. I like being open, dammit. Still, it's nice to be in the position where it's more of a personal choice than a necessity.
It's also the first time I've been into a school since I left mine many years ago. That's pretty weird. School was a bit weird, because it was horrendously bad due to trans stuff, but also a really good place for me to be as well because my personality thrived in the kind of simple atmosphere of a school. I've been thinking that I might do well in such an atmosphere again, this time doing the teaching, but I've been a bit overwhelmed by enough of the bad memories.
I have a lot to think about from this experience. I have a therapist appointment and he's probably going to earn his pay this week. Then it's back to the school for the rest of Thursday and for all of Friday probably. I may get to do some teaching tomorrow too, which could be fun, teaching Doppler Shift to some kids.
I'm not sure whether I will go into teaching or not. I'm finding it really hard to empathise with children, because of all my childhood angst, which defeats the whole purpose. But I'm really glad I've taken this opportunity, because it's given me lots to think about, and maybe I'll change my mind once I've had a chance to let my feelings settle a bit more. Who knows.