|Back to Work
||[Jan. 7th, 2016|08:31 am]
Yesterday, I headed back to work at Optum for the first time in the New Year. The journey by tube was difficult thanks to the crutches, but people in general made way for me and my foot lasted OK, so it wasn't too bad.
While there, a lot of people were soliticious and asked me what I had done. I had to repeat the story about 16 times, and what was interesting was the natural assumption a lot of people made that I was drinking a lot, as opposed to the very little I had.
The pause off work before going back gave me some time to think about it in general. I'm starting to realise that going to work is very healthy. It's odd, because the attitude I had after the school thing is that work is somewhere you go where your sanity suffers and everything is bad, then outside you recover a bit and come in again.
This job is slowly changing that. It's not a fantastic job and there's lots wrong with it. Indeed, with the sheer amount of stuff that's wrong, I'm surprised I haven't killed myself by now. This job doesn't get me enough sunlight (which leads to SAD), doesn't stimulate me mentally and handling the constant crap dished out by a distant and increasingly incompetent management is emotionaly draining.
This begs the question why is it being positive for me?
Well, I'm realising that a huge chunk of the answer lies in both previous school experiences and in previous work experiences pre-transition. In short, I'm going through the transition process in a work environment and adjusting to being female. Despite the fact that I've been female for a while, adjusted on all kinds of other fronts and had a lot of time being female, there's vastly more going on than even I realised.
Why this job seems to be good for me at the moment is that, well, it's a fairly disposable job in a fairly disposable workplace. This goes both ways as well (I'm a disposable employee). Because of that, it creates a very different dynamic. No one expects me to be in any decent or competent. You'd expect that to be morale sapping, and in some way it is. But, realistically, I feel like I deserve that.
I'm starting to realise just how deep some of the issues caused by my childhood have been. I have written about them, I have talked about them, but I don't believe. I really, genuinely don't believe that school was that bad. It was. It was worse than I could imagine, even now. The sheer lack of the correct socialisation, the impossision of a sense of only being loved/wanted for not being me and the lack of safety and security against all the men in my life created a corrosive mix. It's messed me up in such a huge way I don't even know if I'm fixable.
So, why does this job work well with that? Well, all of that is slowly coming out. As you can expectt, that doesn't do wonders for my productivity or my managiability. I'm being a very difficult person, both emotionally and physically for them.
Despite this, they cope. Or rather, the place being what it is, all of us are coping. They keep asking me back and people keep talking to me. I've been difficult, slightly hysterical and generally not the spitting model of a model employee andd, well, it doesn't seem to matter too much for this post.
As all the dark, black filth inside me flows out, it hits a place that seems, in general, inured against it. As a result, I'm healing, slowly, in a way I probably wouldn't have done.
I'm slowly learning how to socially interact with the female staff members around me. Stuff that i would have learned in school, had I grown up like I should. I'm learning not to flinch each time a mannagement person looks at me slightly suspiciously andd is disappointed that I didn't do whatt they wanted. I'm learning how to get my views and thoughts across as a woman and when to stand up for myself because people are taking the piss.
Nothing is perfect, right now, but it's all going in the right direction.
(written on my shiney new tablet keyboard, something I can tell from reading it back...)