|Adjusting to the Surgery
||[Jun. 20th, 2016|10:11 pm]
Life is a bit weird at the moment. It feels like, right after the surgery I jumped into a place in my brain where I was going to be and, then, my brain went "Oh Fuck No" and then actually tried to go from A to B by means other then hopping through the air.
It's... been a bit weird. There are times I wonder if I've made a horrible mistake. I've wondered that at various points after everything I've done, so it's not just now. But it's one of those things need to process.
On the plus side, I seem to be more engaged with the world and I seem to have a better connection with things. I sleep better and I'm going through work related stuff in a way I never quite managed before.
On the negative side, sometimes I get really depressed. The children thing bothers me a lot and I feel so goddamn old, tired and beyond any sensible use. I'm using computer games as a bigger displacement mechanism and sometimes I just feel upset and don't know what to do.
I think I know what might be the problem...
I think... the thing that's really bothering me is not knowing how to, ah, sort myself out sexually. I've gone from being calm and collected to being a wreck. I'm turning into a viscious, horrible bitch.
Before, I figured that, if I didn't meet anyone, it would be OK. Things would be OK. That's just not acceptable now, or not an option. I can't... I just can't go without... gah. It's just fucking with my head so badly. Just the thought makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I feel scared and I feel vulnerable and I don't know what to do. Some of it is I don't really believe anyone would want me. Some of it is I believe people would want me, but I'm never going to have the safety and security to deal with those parts of me again. I'm scared also that I may have left things too late, dealing with youth when I'm not young and I'm too exhausted to deal with all the feelings that are driving me wild.
Some of it is flashbacks to stuff that the feelings are making me feel. I managed to cope with this by avoiding it, embracing the trans parts of me and using that to do for myself. I can't really do that, I think. Not now. It reminds me... far too much of University time, of the bad times when I was growing up, becoming sexually aware and it was all just not working. Nothing I did made anything work, nothing I did felt safe or OK. I was such a bad girl.
One of the good things, at least once I took the hormones, was how I could feel more self-contained. Things went enough in the right direction for me to have peace, but not enough that I felt like this. That's why I'm wondering if I have fucked this all up badly. Maybe I missed something important about myself, something I really should have known. But I don't know what it is. That scares me.
I'm bumping into people for whom their internal sex is more complicated than being one or the other and part of me is wondering whether I've actually been like that all along. I'm worried, in which case, that I've gone too far to be happy, that this is too much. Was I happier in the middle? I often thought so, and now I'm worried I've gone too far the other way.
And yet, at other times, what feels wrong is not that I feel like I may have gone too far, but that I actually feel fine and right for the first time, and I have no idea how to deal with it. There is nothing in me that knows how to cope with this.