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This is perhaps the longest I've ever gone on here without writing… - Ddk's Journal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Aug. 25th, 2016|07:16 pm]
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This is perhaps the longest I've ever gone on here without writing something, which is in itself unusual. I've been doing a bit more writing on Facebook, where people I actually know are. It seems easier to get messages out to the people who know me.

On the other hand, this is still the best place to write out thoughts and feelings on those occasions I'm not sure that I know how or what to do with them.

On the whole, life is going pretty well. I have a job lined up in Bristol for which I'm just waiting for certain bits of paperwork to come through. It will mean moving to another city to start a new life, but I will be able to live better than I have here, so.

I'm also writing a computer game. It's bizarrely going. It's been a long standing ambition of mine. One I thought I'd given up with transitioning, but I need to have something creative to do and writing a computer game provides that, especially when I start to dwell on bad things too much.

The tract of life that isn't going well is that the children thing keeps bothering me, as does the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm not really sure where all of this is coming from, but I really feel the pressure that, well, the thing that men want out of women is babies. I can't do that, so no one is ever going to love me. I'm not going to be happy. I'm not going to be successful, where success is seeing all your children grow up and have children of their own.

I can see the happiness part of that sitting there, just permanently out of reach and it bothers me. I don't want to be permanently unhappy for the rest of my life and, well, I'm not sure there's any way that's not a guaranteed thing.

Adoption should be a way of making that better, but it bothers me more. I'm kinda worried that I wouldn't love a child just dropped into my care. I'm worried no one would want to support me through raising a child that isn't their own. I find it odd that my brain thinks that I would totally sort myself out and pull myself together if I could have a child of my own, but not apparently otherwise.

I can feel the social pressure to do it, I'm watching too many shows where people partner up and start a family and have children, so even normal methods of diversion are just making me think about it too much. I feel kinda guilty about the fact that I can't, which is crazy, because it's not that I won't but that I can't.

It's not just this, but I can see how the whole process has eroded my growing up, and why I tried to really not think about it for the last few years. I don't really know if I'll ever think of myself as a worthwhile human being.